Smiles

When Brooke was given her pink princess jeep, I remarked:

''Ohmigawd, look Brooke! Great. Now, Avie's gonna want cancer, too.''

One of my friends thought this was pretty funny--and I meant it to be--but I think he was a little startled by the joke and wasn't certain if he should laugh.

Most people either look shocked or at a loss for words when I joke about Brooke's cancer. They wonder how I can still maintain a sense of humor amidst all of the recent drama.

These two beauties are my main reasons for smiling through what can sometimes be stormy weather.


Either I can play the cards dealt me, laugh a little bit about the situation and hope for the best or I can let the disease drag me down--and the girls with me. Like them, I choose to smile.

You girls are so young and yet so wise. Thank you for teaching me about what is important in life. Love you.

July math

Picnic table + green grass + flip flops = summer.

Another one bites the dust

Chemo #4 (aka The Big One) has been completed and my kid continues to amaze me. She was in great spirits yesterday both before and after the chemo injection. (Even asked that we stop at ''Donald's'' for a ''hangaburger'' on our way home.) And today, she is her usual happy go-lucky self. She slept well and has had her usual appetite. No complaints about a tummyache, just a steadfast refusal to take the ''yucky'' anti-nausea medicine. (I eventually convinced her.) So far, so good. And, we are one step closer to Week 6.

Our nurse seemed pleased that B's counts were so high yesterday, but warned us that if there was a week to feel miserable, this would be it. Besides nausea, we might also see some serious hair loss this week.

Are we sure that she has cancer? Are we sure the nurses aren't just giving her sugar water? She never seems to react adversely to anything. It's almost a little unsettling that she is doing so brillantly. By no means do we want to see our child sick, but it does make us wonder if she's immune to the chemo!

Punky monkey

Decided a fresh new haircut was in order, so we headed to the Melonheads children's salon yesterday afternoon. B picked out some new hair clips and we set to work.

How daya like the new do?

To jazz it up a little, we decided to add some punky purple colour and glam glitter to B's locks. Can't really tell in this photo, but it is quite wild and punky.

And, we discovered that it is surprisingly difficult to find kid-friendly hair colour and glitter at the mall. (Finally found some on clearance at San Diego. We'll have to stock up on the junk when the stores are brimming with the stuff at Halloween!)

Anyways, I find she looks so much more grown-up now. Can't believe that just a few short months ago, B was still a baby. Now, a little girl....

And here is Avie-cakes, after a fun morning at the marina park. Lots of fresh air, sunshine and digging in the sand makes for very tired children.

B let Avie hold Baby Bunny for a little snooze while we ate our picnic lunch with B's old daycare group.

Another good day. Love you both to smithreens, girls.

Three chemos in

Three treatments in and B is doing great. Her blood counts are high (higher even than the average chemo-free kid) and her energy level is top notch. Another treatment down and still no puke, no lethargy, no complaining. The kid amazes me.

The whole process has been rather anti-climactic. We were shocked by the cancer discovery and overwhelmed by the immediate surgery, but now we have to....hurry up and wait until she is ill. I'm kinda having a hard time wrapping my head around it, and clearly so is B.

''Why am I getting medication, Mommy? I don't hurt and I'm not sick anymore.''

I try to explain that there is something in her belly that could make her sick and she needs to take the medication to keep her healthy. She takes it easily enough--because she likes the taste--but I am left wondering how long this compliance of hers will last.

In other news, the next treatment (a combination of vincristine and doxurubicin (sp?)) will be the big one, so the nurses expect that she will start to feel the effects of the chemo at Week 4. One nurse said that if we had any specific plans for this summer, this weekend is the weekend to get 'em done. I'm wondering how to spend the time. Zoo? Camping? Theme park?

Another nurse also suggested cutting B's hair short prior to the next dose because she may start losing it in large chunks afterwards, which might be unsettling for us to witness. I'll say. Nothing says 'sick child' like a bald one. I think this whole thing will become all the more real to me when--and if--she loses her hair.

Last night, we also met with our Interlink nurse. She is our connection to all programs within the cancer community. Who knew there were so many?

The services offered by various organizations, including Candlelighters, the Canadian Cancer Society, Make-a-Wish Foundation and the Pediatric Oncology Group of Ontario (POGO), run the gambit of offering support groups for parents, patients and siblings to financial assistance (for food allowances, babysitting expenses, parking, travel costs) to residential summertime camps (for the whole family, not just the cancer patient). Truly wonderful programs, several of which we will no doubt take advantage. After all, it seems that once you're a cancer patient, you're always a cancer patient (or at the very least, a member of the cancer community!).....

Had to put a pause on the post there for a second. Expecting my mother and grandmother to visit and thought they were already at the door, but opened it to two nice, old Jehovah witnesses instead. They seem surprised that I answered, stating that so many people were out ''shopping or working.'' More likely, my neighbours peeped outside the window and when they saw the ladies, bibles in hand, climbing out of their station wagon, wisely decided to hide from view.

Anyways, I hate to be rude, so I pleasantly explained to them that yes, I believe in God, and no, I did not know him on a first-name basis as we had never had the good fortune to meet in person, and finally that I was quite happy as a lapsed Catholic. Sadly, that did not sway them from giving me their booklets. Their literature was wasted on me and has ended up in the recycling bin. So be it. Amen.

So, now with my first conversion of the day averted, I'll start the grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch. Thanks for tuning in, everyone.

A blissfully bland morning

Sometimes, on days like today, I can almost forget that we are a family dealing with cancer. Everything about today has been ordinary: cartoons during a Froot Loop and Cheerios combo breakfast, a dance-off between B and myself with Avie judging our skill and finesse (I lost, not surprisingly), painting Princess pictures on my bedroom floor (every princess with the exception of my Ariel is purple), B's deft avoidance of her lunch by insisting that we eat alfresco and then dashing into the sandbox when my back was turned. Everything was exactly the same as it was before the diagnosis. The smiles, the laughs, the sunshine on the back deck.

Then, a call from the Interlink nurse from CHEO (nothing to worry about, everyone! Just an appointment rescheduling) and I am reminded of the illness. Oh yeah...cancer, right--I almost forgot.

It's easy to forget that she is unwell when there are no more symptoms present. It's easy to forget when the surgery scars are healing so well. It's easy to forget when B has sailed through two chemo treatments so smoothly and with, thank God, no complications so far. I know it will not always be like this, that she won't always seem so healthy, so happy, so perfect--but I can't help hoping that the worst is already behind us and that the simplicity of this blissfully bland morning remains.

Either way, I know in my heart of hearts that we will beat this thing. Some days, I must remind myself to draw strength from my daughter's overflowing good spirits--she has more than enough to spare--and when I do, I know that she will overcome cancer. That she will walk in the Survivor's Circle at the Relay for Life next summer. That she will wear her decades-old scars, her badges of honour, with pride. That she will one day show her grandchildren her courage beads and tell them her story. Until then, all I can promise her is more smiles, more laughs and more sunshine on the back deck this summer--and every summer thereafter.

Short but sweet

Just a simple note to thank everyone again for everything they have done for us. We are very truly blessed to be surrounded by such positive vibes and good wishes. We hope to never have to repeat this time in our lives, but we will never forget the kindnesses shown to us. :)

Oh! And C&A: The 30 and a 1/2 pool party MUST become an annual event. Thanks for a great time yesterday!

Girl's got wheels

Since the chemo has pretty much scratched our plans for summer vacation (we had rented a cottage in Wasaga Beach for August, but what's the point of going to the beach if she shouldn't be in lake water?), Hubby and I are pretty adamant that we do 'things' this summer. If it means attending bbqs or going fishing at the cottage, or packing up picnic lunches and heading out to local tourist attractions, we are going to try and make this summer as pleasant as possible for her. Especially now, while she still has her energy to go out and enjoy the summer.

So, we wanted to keep to our usual Canada Day plans: the annual bbq and pool party at Permanent Waves (a friends' home) and then fireworks and bonfire at a cousins' house on the water. Brooke had a blast at both places--she was the only one who went swimming at Permanent Waves, and then spent a good portion of the day in the bounce house with the other kids, followed by a ''shooting star show that went pop, pop, pop!'' (She was so enthralled with the fireworks that Hubby went out and bought some more to set off at another time. Why are fireworks typically reserved for national holidays? We'll just save 'em for another day this summer, when there's nothing to celebrate but life itself.) and marshmallows roasted over an open fire. A great day for sure.

The highlight of the holiday by far, however, was the gift. Our crazy, wonderful friends (you know who you are) all got together to gift Brooke with her very own pink princess jeep! What a surprise!

Seeing everyone that day and knowing that they are supportive and sympathetic to our situation was love enough, but this....well, to say the least, the kid was delighted. She thought time had somehow shifted forward and that it was her birthday, even asking me why it was her birthday when the pumpkins weren't even here yet. (Thanks again, you guys!!! We oxox you.)

Anyways, she wanted to open the box right then and there, but C had wisely hidden the box in the garage to be placed into our Aztek immediately before any of the other 20 kids spotted it. We told her it would have to wait until tomorrow.

Well, morning came and she had not forgotten: ''G'morning Mommy. Where's my driver?'' she said, her hands gripping and spinning an invisible steering wheel.


We had planned to go to the cottage the next day for some R&R, so we brought the pink jeep with us. Treadwell has an impressive and impeccably kept green lawn, perfect for a first driving lesson. We even had to open the trunk and show B to prove to her that Daddy had not ''forgotten my truck.'' She then proceeded to talk about how she would drive it for the whole 20-minute car trip to the cottage.

We arrived in Treadwell and the first thing she did was tell her grandparents that she was going to drive the jeep. Of course, some assembly was required. Like he does every Christmas, Hubby wished he had had the forethought to open the box the night before so that the toy was ready to go the next day. Ooops.

Well, he and B put it together within a half-hour (B is pretty good with a wratchet), but it was the fact that the instruction manual said to charge the battery 18 hours prior to first use that stumped us. B was not going to wait another 18 hours! She was already sitting in the jeep, waiting for her Daddy to fill it up with "gas.''

So, we gave it a shot anyways. Miraculously, the battery still had enough juice to scoot her around the cottage lawn for a good hour. She was in pink princess jeep heaven--running things over, braking at the last moment, forcing pedestrians out of the way, refusing to allow other children to get in with her (''that's sister's seat, you can't sit there''), parking it sideways by the deck so she could get a snack. Just like a real Hollywood princess. (The only things missing from the scene were a pink crystal-emblazoned cell phone and a froufrou-wearing chihuahua sitting in a purse.)

The next day, we were set to babysit B's cousin, Diva Grace, for a sleepover while J&D attended a high school reunion. The Grant boys were staying with my dad for the night, so it would be just the girls (and babies) that day. Hubby had learned his lesson. He charged the battery for its full 18 hours.

The two little divas had a blast with their Girls Only day. They spent almost the entire afternoon riding around on the jeep, completely depleting the battery. It was a riot to watch them.

The little Thelma and Louise took off their shoes and hats, threw them into the trunk (and added the essentials of all good road trips--golf clubs and a Go Diego Go Halloween sticker book) and drove off into the sunshine. They stopped only to pick up the odd hitchhiker (bunnies are surprisingly good driving companions), refuel the jeep (and themselves with water bottles and popsicles), and push the car out of jams. (The Diva really is a great driver, but she occasionally got the jeep stuck at the bottom of a hill, in spite of B's insistent Go Diego Go navigations. Luckily, as diva as she is, Grace doesn't mind getting dirty when the going gets tough and B refuses to get going. Eventually, B gave up shouting orders from the passenger seat and climbed out to help her cousin push the jeep out of the sinkhole.)

Watching the two of them having fun on the jeep was like catching a glimpse of the future. I can only imagine the scrapes those two will get into when the girls morph into teenagers. It brings me great joy to know that B will beat this thing and one day, she and Grace will pack just as haphazardly for a real road trip as they did for this one.

I only hope that the girls wear their shoes next time, avoid driving on the sidewalk and remember to pack some clean underwear.

(That, and I keep my fingers crossed that B doesn't expect a real jeep when she turns 16! If she does--it's up to you guys to pitch in for it. ;)

First chemo

We went into CHEO on Monday for B's first chemo treatment. When we arrived, we finally got to sit down with the doctor to discuss B's tumour and situation. Another surprise awaited us.

Apparently, a tiny spot (so tiny it's naked to the invisible eye) has been found on her lung. So, it looks like the cancer has spread a bit, no longer contained to kidneys. My heart dropped like the Tower of Terror into the pit of my stomach. Small or not, it has spread. The doctor was surprised we weren't aware of it, as if someone should have told us last week. Once again, we feel as if we have been ambushed by drips and drabs of information.

Pas told the case manager, in no uncertain terms, that we understand that they don't have all the information at the outset, but that we feel as if they have been withholding information from us. Then, when we receive it, the person giving it to us always seems stunned that we weren't informed of the latest developments earlier. It is essential for our peace of mind that we know EVERYTHING they know.

Anyways, the news doesn't seem to change the game plan at the moment. They will treat her as as a Stage 4 (affected lungs) instead of a Stage 5 (bilateral kidneys), but the treatment protocol is the same. Six weeks of chemo and a reassessment at that time. They are hopeful that the drugs will shrink the two spots (on her lung and remaining kidney) in a two-for-one chemo deal. If it doesn't, they will either intensify the treatment (add in radiation) or biopsy (surgery) the spots out of her. Naturally, we're hoping the chemo does the trick.

After the news, and much administrative time-wasting, we finally got on with the chemo treatment. Poor Brooke was already desperately bored with having spent five hours in an exam room with nothing but a few crayons and colouring pages and Snow White running over and over again. Still, she was a trooper.

On Monday, Brooke received two of the drugs--one (Dactinomycin) that she will only receive once and which is the stronger of the two, and the other (Vincristine) which she will receive on a weekly basis. A third drug (Doxorubicin) will be added to the mix in Week 4. What does all this mean?

It means that we have a med schedule now. Yup, my kid who has never needed anything beyond Tylenol to cure what ailes her is now on a med schedule. She will require some special antibiotics over the weekends to prevent a certain type of pneumonia that is difficult to treat in cancer kids. She has anti-nausea medication for days after chemo. She has a special prescription for a $50 jar of powder to ensure she does not become constipated on her other meds. (The expense for these meds is ridiculous, too--I can't imagine how those uninsured or non-Canadian parents deal with the financial burden that comes with cancer. I am only glad that I am not one of them.)

Anyways, B wasn't thrilled by the poking around her port and, overtired, fell asleep while the Vincristine was added and then slept through the Dactinomycin injection. When she awoke, she was very upset, but she is always very cranky after a nap.

Concerned that she was in pain or felt awful, we held her and comforted her for a few minutes, finally forcing her to open her eyes and look around. As soon as she saw us, she just sat up and decided she wanted to paint pictures. She was perfectly fine after that. No complaining of belly aches or headaches or tiredness. She was just her usual self.

We stayed for an additional two hours to observe her and ensure that she had received adequate post-chemo hydration. We were the last ones to leave the clinic, well over two hours after it had closed. Apparently, it won't be like that next week. Just go in, get the Vincristine over the course of an hour and leave right away. We'll see, I guess.

Later that night, B who was in great spirits, ate dinner like it was going out of style. A huge plate of KD, a bowl of cucumber slices and red pepper strips, a fistful of crackers, a popsicle, a glass of water and two mini ice cream cones. Does that sound like a kid who is fighting off nausea?

And she was fine the next day, too. Woke up after a very good sleep with a big smile on her sunny face and ready to face the day ahead. She didn't eat much in the morning, but made up for it with a big lunch later on in the day and a great dinner.

The only blip in the day? She kinda spit up a mouthful of apple juice in the morning. I took it for vomit, but after trying the apple juice myself, I decided it was off and threw the rest of the juice boxes out. (They had been sitting in my trunk for a few days, so maybe they turned in the heat?) I would have spit it out, too.

So far, so well on chemo. And, it was the BIG chemo, too. Obviously, the drugs will eventually take their toll on her, but for now, she has reacted very well to the treatment. We will have to become hyperviligant parents with regard to infections and fevers, but at least if she has to have chemo, it couldn't have come at a better time.

Not only will she never remember this time in her life, but I am on maternity leave. So, no daycare (or daycare illnesses) to be concerned about. She is the oldest, so there are no older siblings in school bringing home colds. It's the summer and not exactly flu season, so that's a bonus. B isn't in school yet, so she won't feel as if she missing anything when September rolls around and her swim classes ended just prior to her surgery. And, luckily, Avie is so tiny, that she will never feel as if our attention is too focused on B this summer.

Bad news comes in threes, and frankly, I think we're full up. First, she was diagnosed with Wilms, then it became bilateral, and now it's on her lung. Maybe this means that our luck will start to turn now?